Chapter 48 – The Answer to Who I Want to Be: Part 2


The pain I felt grew rapidly when I thought of Azel telling me he doesn’t need me.

“Will he… eventually get tired of me? I wonder what will happen if I were thrown away.”

“Hah? What are you talking about? Isn’t that obvious? Humans are nothing but ghetto food or lifeblood workers! Well, my lord is very kind, so he might let you go without killing you. Hmph!”

“……”

I received an unexpected response to the questions I only murmured to myself and it made my heart even more vulnerable.

He would let me go without killing me. Even if I had no place to return to, it was still too kind of a treatment for a human who invaded the demon realm.

I was a captive livestock, yet they treated me as if I was allowed to find hope. But for some reason, my heart ached even more at the thought that “I’d never see Azel again if I was thrown away”.

Ulysse snorted at me when I fell silent, and lazily waved his hand in a good mood.

“If you’re not a love rival, then it doesn’t matter. Just don’t you ever get attached to the demon lord, okay! I’ll crush you if you do!”

I—can’t take this anymore.

It was already too late when I truly realized that I wouldn’t be able to stand it.

No… When I thought about it calmly, it was almost strange how I didn’t notice it.

I put my hand over the pain in my chest and took a deep breath with my trembling lips, and memories of the time since I met him began to flow in my head.

There were hints. There were signs, too. I was just slow on the uptake.

When Azel touched my skin every time he drank my blood, I shared a sweet pleasure, forgetting my gender and situation.

Wasn’t it too luscious of a time even if I had just gone along with his insistence on taking responsibility?

What if there weren’t any poison at that moment? Would I still be just how I was right now?

Right. I liked women. But, the reason why I didn’t hate the idea of being touched by a man was because it was Azel.

I had a healthy mind that hadn’t been poisoned, yet in my heart… I… wanted to touch Azel. I didn’t mind kissing him either. It made me happy.

And if I were to imagine the… sex that follows, then maybe… I’d be able to do it. No, I wanted to. I wanted to be loved. I wanted us to have some connectedness, so I would like to do those things.

The more I swallowed Ulysse’s words and thought about them, the more it made my chest throb, which had been grating with grief, remembering the times I had shared with Azel.

What should I do? I can lust after Azel.

I felt my cheeks turn red.

Ulysse was arguing that it would be too conceited for a human to fall in love with the demon lord and was unaware of my changes.

Would you really think of someone as just a friend after allowing them to have sexual contact or dreading the idea of being separated from them?

I had never thought about it until now. I tried to compare it to my friends in the past, yet I couldn’t even imagine wanting to let our skin touch even though they were dear to me.

It was something you’d do with… a lover.

Then, let’s say, hypothetically, that Azel had a lover and did those kinds of things.

With the same mouth that called me cute, he would dote on someone else. He would touch them and kiss them.

…It was just a natural thing for lovers to do.

He would do it to someone, just as he did to me.

Would I let anyone else taste the same feeling of your whole body melting down and your entire existence being swallowed?

“…Nn… I don’t want that…!”

My answer leaked out of my lips, with a sound as if I were about to cry, just by the thought of it.

The reason why I felt sad, lonely and why my chest tightened at the thought of him leaving me, was…

Ahh—I’m in love with the demon lord.

I wanted to take the sweetest name1I guess like having the label of a lover and… to stay beside Azel.

Thoughts flooded out of my consciousness when my imaginations began to fall into my chest, and I became aware of things.

Ulysse happened to catch the words I spilled and quickly lifted his eyes. He pointed at me, while I was dumbfounded with my cheeks flushed.

“I knew it! You’re my rival who’s also aiming for the demon lord?! Tch, I won’t forgive you for letting me celebrate so early! I don’t lend rooms to the enemy!”

“Uwa…! O-Okay…”

I was taken aback by Ulysse’s voice dyed with anger, but I was at a loss for words and couldn’t deny it right away since he hit the mark.

I didn’t have that kind of intention, but then I realized how I really felt. But, even if I said, “I just realized I’m in love with him now, so please forgive how rude I acted before this.” He would just think that I was picking a fight and it would be over for me.

Ulysse pointed at the front door with the urge of driving me out, and I thought it was better to obey him than to fight.

I also needed to be alone right now to sort out my feelings, so it was just perfect. It was also quite embarrassing to face Azel at dinner with such complicated, fluffy feelings.

“Hmph! Someone like you should sleep out in the open like cattle! You always had a look of indifference on your face, but I guess you liked him after all! How dare you make a fool of me!”

“Nnh… I didn’t really have that kind of intention until just now. I’m sorry…”

“Well, aren’t you such a goody two-shoes! I’ll never forgive you! B-But well… There’s an inn in town, so why don’t you go there? It’s not safe to sleep out in the open, after all!”

“That’s very kind, thank you. Well then, I’ll be staying at the inn tonight. I’ll be back in the morning.”

“Heheh~ That’s right, you wouldn’t like that, would you? If you apologize to me and say that you’ll give up on him, I’ll get you your room!”

“Nnn… I… can’t give up on him, so… I’ll… W-What should I do… I need to think about it, so, for now… I’ll be off…”

—Slam.

“Yes, yes. It’s best for you to apologize obediently. After all, even if a human like you goes to an inn in a town full of demons, you’ll just get caught and eaten, or sold off and killed. Either way, it’s a suicidal ac… Huh?”

I could no longer hear Ulysse’s voice as I closed the door.

I tried to shake away the loud pounding of my heart and clouded mind and walked out into the night.

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